Finding Hope During October's Sea of Pink

October is Breast Cancer month, a time for us to reflect upon and pay special attention to those affected by breast cancer. Sometimes I can’t help but get a little bit, I don’t know, frustrated? Slighted? When everyone is calling for stories of survivors, or accounts of those who are battling breast cancer now, I get a little selfish. We should absolutely pay our respects and celebrations to them, but what about those who fought the good fight and moved on to greener pastures? Rarely do you see celebrations of stories about those who have suffered and lost at the hands of cancer. Instead, we tend look to those stories with pity and sadness.

Traditionally we consider someone alive or a survivor as one who is living and breathing among us. But I disagree.




Although my mom moved on from us almost 10 years ago, she is very much in existence and lives on in all of us. In fact, our daughter Cadyn Hope is named in honor of my mom – Cadyn means little fighter. For those of you who knew my mom know that this has more than one meaning! J All throughout mom's battle, and then later when she worked with cancer patients, she always said “Never Lose Hope”, because sometimes Hope is all we have.

Make no mistake, we should honor those who are fighting the fight now, but also those who gave until they could no longer. We shouldn’t remember them in sadness, or speak of them with pity, but celebrate and appreciate the tortuous battle they fought to get us where we are today. I’ve seen hell – I’ve watched my mom go all the way there and back through her surgeries, her chemotherapy, and her last treatment – a bone marrow transplant. Cancer sucks. It strips you of your confidence, it creates fear, it ravages your body. And it angers me to think of my mom in pity, as someone who did not survive. Instead, I think of her as Hope – Hope for all the good there is despite the tragedy.

Compassion, love, remembrance – for anything – should not be limited to one month, a certain color, a barrage of products promising to raise money for awareness and intervention. I'd say as a society we are extremely aware of the many challenges we face medically, emotionally, financially. My point? When faced with adversity and challenge, we are all survivors. We all deserve love and compassion and acknowledgment, regardless if our home is here or beyond. In my experience, the quality of time you have with loved ones and time remembering those loved ones is far greater than the quantity of time that buying a box of pink pens or wearing a pink shirt during the month of October promises.

Whenever someone learns of my mom's death, the next question is how, and I always hesitate. I struggle with the idea that cancer killed her.  Technically, she was cancer free when she died. However, the intense amount of lethal treatment she received damaged her heart, which eventually admitted that it was tired. When we were faced with my mom's first diagnosis, then second and third, I thought about the reality of death and what would happen when she was gone. I could not handle it, didn't want to think about it, was in complete denial (on the surface) about what was really happening. You see, I like to be optimistic about everything. It's hard. It's a struggle. But when you deal with as much as we have in the past 10 years, your choices are limited. I've tried the being depressed and crying all the time. Anger? Frustration? Why me?  You bet. And it's not pretty. I don't like it. So when her final moment arrived and I saw her in the ICU, the first words out of my mouth were “get those tubes out of her, that's not what she wants”. After they removed them, and she was still with us, barely, I gave her a hug and told her “you don't have to do this anymore.” You see, she suffered relentlessly. She lived in a world of cancer induced fear and anxiety. She struggled more than I hope to ever imagine. She fought tooth and nail to be present, to be aware, to be here. She fought to see me get married. She fought to see my brother graduate from high school. She fought with the hopes that she would get to meet her grandkids and continue to see her legacy live on in all of our accomplishments. She fought to keep loving my dad after almost 40 years of marriage. She fought to survive – and that she did. She survives because she fought with Hope. Despite her fears and anxiety, she had Hope that every day would be different, hopefully better, but unique in it’s own challenges and lessons. She survives because that Hope lives on in us. Hope that each day will be better, filled with more love, more happy memories, than the last. Hope that there are better things waiting for us beyond the lives we enjoy today. Hope that one day we will all be together again.  And Hope that we will remember her as the strong, silly, amazing woman that she is, for the love she gave, for the lessons she taught, and not for the cancer that destroyed her body.

Stories of Cancer Survivors are essential to give Hope to those who are suffering now. But let’s not forget about those who fought to survive, who risked life and limb (or boobs in my mom’s case J) to live. Their stories are just as powerful.

 “Your heart will be heard, in your unspoken words, through generations to come.” Monk and Neagle

Life is good y'all, enjoy every day. Y